DVD 1812. Ulanskaya ballada

This is a terrible movie, there is no doubt about that. It is terrible in every respect: bad script, bad acting, bad CGI, bad everything, basically. It is so weak and gimmicky that it's awkward to watch. You know that feeling when you watch somebody completely embarrass themselves in public? Yeah, that's what I felt for those 95 minutes and 47 seconds. The reason behind such an epic fail is probably the fact that the director (Oleg Fesenko) is a novice who hadn't made any serious movies prior to this one.

Otherwise it's a typical pseudo-historical action flick from "Central Partnership". That company made a million WWII themed flicks, some were rather decent, others were bleh… Now I guess they finally decided to pick some other war for a change and let a newbie director go at it. To balance it out they got Sergey Bezrukov (who's the most popular and the highest paid actor now in Russia) – that way the box office was guaranteed, they thought. Well, it didn't work. Everything about the movie screams cheap – every scene, every second of it. I guess Bezrukov (whose performance in this one is also cheap) cost them a bear share of that 5 mil budget. All other actors in the movie are grade B, which kind of goes to show… Too bad that large part of the money was government funding. Oh well!

Long story short, box office was the definition of fail, the reviews in the papers were unfavorable to say the least, Oleg Fesenko didn't get to have a good debut movie, Sergey Bezrukov got a stain on his reputation (but he had probably anticipated that and asked for some astronomical sum of money to do the movie). Should you watch "1812. Ulanskaya ballada."? Absolutely not, unless you are a masochist or fancy cheesy grade B films. If that's the case though – go right ahead, you'll love it.

BTW, the first reviewer (JazzGott), although correct in his evaluation of the movie, is completely incompetent history wise (not to mention the obvious anti-Russian butthurt). Just for the record, about Ulans:

>>1. Uhlans were Polish. Blah, blah, blah…

NOT.

"Ulans" was just a term for cavalry. The original Ulans were Tatars and the word itself is from Turkish language (probably of Mongolian origin). Yeah those Mongols who taught everybody how to ride horses, while conquering half a Europe – those guys. In the 1800's there were Polish and also Russian Ulans. Russia Ulans were established in 1803, almost a decade prior to the war in question. Yes, they did take part in 1812 war against Napoleon, for which there is no shortage (more like an abundance) of proof. It's always a good idea to check your facts.

I don't know why in God's name did I bother to watch this film. Not that I was strong enough to force myself to actually watch the thing – I skipped a lot of pointless rubbish and tried to pay attention to some good things I pointlessly tried to find. Anyway… The film portrays a team of Russian Uhlans (type of military formation from the time) trying to kill Bonaparte and some spy guy while getting some Polish ladies to fall in love with them. The trouble is that:

1. Uhlans were Polish. It was a Polish formation. And as Russians were occupying Poland, Polish Uhlans were serving under Bonaparte and trying to fight Russia with him in a futile belief that Bonaparte will make Poland reappear on the map. So there was no such thing as Russian Uhlans. Uhlans were for Bonaparte and against Russia. This is as pointless as showing a Russian Waffen SS battalion trying to kill Hitler. WTF?

2. The whole team acts like the A team or a bunch of John Rambos without AK47's. They get multiple shots off their single shot pistols, slaughter everyone with a single slash of their sabers and blablabla. Maybe if I was a 5 years old Russian I could enjoy that crap.

3. If one decides to show forbidden love between an occupied Polish aristocrat and a Russian soldier (which for some reason is a Uhlan), they should at least try to make it look a bit forbidden, not flourish in plain sight…

4. Bad acting by great actors – Russian Bezrukov, Polish Delag… Way below, I mean way below what we're used to get from these guys.

5. Bad special effects. And I mean bad. Really bad. 6. Bad script. And I don't mean the historical inaccuracy. I mean that the whole story does not hold. The secret passages ending on the roof in plain sight, Russian armies stationing 5 minutes ride from the Bonaparte quarters, bad romance, bad aaaaaa come on, I'm not gonna do this. It's just bad OK?

So was there anything good in the film? I think yes. I did enjoy the costumes a lot. And that would be it.

So summarizing – don't. Don't waste any time watching this shipwreck. I seriously don't understand why would anybody even bother making it! My wife and I speculated that the only reason for making this film was that somebody had found some Uhlan costumes in the attic and decided that after the last Russian Musketeers movie nothing can be worse – so their only way is the way up and convinced everybody else to gather, waste the time they could spend doing nothing and I don't know… keeping respect for themselves; and made them produce this horrible thing.

Don't watch it, seriously.