DVD The Time Machine

Where do you even start with a movie this bad? Even in the worst movies I have ever seen there is some redeeming factor or one bright spot you can point to. In this movie however there is none of that. This is "The Time Machine (I Found at a Yardsale)" or as it should be known, "The Time Machine: The Anti-Movie".

Scenes are framed incorrectly with most of the background taking up the shot. There are rules and ways of framing involving thirds. This movie thinks that if something is centered on the screen, then it must be okay.

Use of static shots. Movies are a visual art form. People are supposed to move naturally. But not in this movie. No, they stand completely still for minutes at a time and spout tired dialogue in front of green screens. One shot of the hero takes two minutes while he drinks a glass of orange juice. Not a moment is wasted from him getting the glass all the way to him drinking the juice and putting the glass in the sink. And while he drinks it, he just stands there, looking blankly ahead and not moving. A truly riveting performance I must say.

But he's not the only bad actor, no the movie is full of them. From the bland lead who speaks every line in a bored monotone to the bland female lead who speaks every line in a bored monotone. Watch as they speak to each other in front of a green screen. Marvel at how they don't show any emotion or facial expressions as they do. Cower in fear as you feel your sanity slowly leave you.

The special effects are pathetic and this is possibly where the majority of the budget went. Anything they couldn't show was done in post as the leads stand in front of a green screen. Even a lot of the outdoor shots were done this way, possibly because they had terrible sound and lack of a boom mike.

But the worst part of this is that they have a time machine yet act as if they're still affected by time and it's linear effects. If you had a time machine you could literally take as much time as you wanted to do whatever you wanted then travel directly to whatever point in time you wanted. Let's say you need to be at your sister's wedding but you have a concert you want to see that night. No problem. Go to the concert, then use your time machine to go back in time and attend her wedding. At no point do they say this is not possible to do.

And yet, at the most opportune time or when they couldn't figure out any other way to get around a problem, they simply use the time machine to fix the problem. Consistency. You need it.

So yes, this movie is not a good one and I don't even know if I can recommend it to lovers of bad movies. It is just a mess from start to finish. Even a movie like "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" has it's riffable bits and it's enjoyably bad. This one I don't think you can even enjoy it ironically.

You've been warned.