DVD Vampire Academy

I'm sitting here writing this a mere four hours after seeing the film, and I don't really know what I expected – if I expected nearly two hours of tired tropes and poor writing, coupled with all around poor performances, I would be happy. If the film was well written, well acted, and a slight bit campy, it would be fine, but it just wasn't. The concept isn't original, the cast was all around shocking, excluding Victor, although there seemed to be a complete lack of evil-ferret-stroking; his character arc was rather predictable. Every single line was just exposition after exposition, with the occasional burst of teenage sass from Rose, which was extremely frustrating after a while. Quipping one liners is not necessary, especially after an hour and a half.

Every relationship felt forced, I didn't feel any connection to the characters, and I honestly couldn't care less what happened to them; they were not believable in the slightest. A good script would have helped, but the performances also assisted in bogging it down I actually enjoyed the concept, as someone who hasn't read the books. I liked the vibe I got from the film to begin with, but it felt extremely tacky. Everything felt like plastic, everyone's face was constantly caked with makeup, felt extremely superficial and tacky, and every backdrop was injected with a tonne of poor CGI. All of the special effects through the film were just poor, and were not nice to look at. The fire effects looked like the fire effects from Adobe After Effects.

I liked what they were trying, but they honestly needed to up their game all across the board; budget-wise, script-wise, casting-wise, and the dozens of other issues with this picture. I almost got a 'it's so bad it's good' feeling, but it's heavy handed and poorly made throughout.

I do not recommend.

I had a glimmer of hope for Vampire Academy. The faintest bit of optimism that the film might actually be something that Ender's Game and Beautiful Creatures was not. I knew nothing of the books. Seven in total I am told from my vampire novel-loving partner. But surely it a major studio release couldn't be as bad as the Twilight films. Surely just out of blind luck, a vampire film targeting the tweens might actually be watchable.

Nope.

Vampire Academy not only fails to exploit my flicker of faith but it pulverizes any rational reason as to why the screenplay was greenlit in the first place. A monstrosity of a mess, Vampire Academy is a clear front runner for worst film of 2014.

I could attempt to educate you on the script, but I am not quite sure I understood it all myself. In the first five minutes alone we see a car crash, get introduced to a vampire and her half-vampire/half-human guardian, force fed the supernatural bond between the two, learn that vampires can control the four elements and are given a description as to dhampirs, Morois and Strigoi's. Whew.

Zoey Deutch (looking very much like a young Rose Byrne) plays Rose Hathaway. She is a dhampir who is protecting Princess Vasilisa Dragomir (Lucy Fry) from Stigoi – an evil vampire breed created when a vampire takes a human life. Maybe more evil still are Vasilisa's classmates at the Vampire Academy who resent her return after being in the real world for the past year. It's like Mean Girls with fangs.

There is some sort of plot. Vasilisa is tormented by someone or someones in her school who sacrifice wolves and cats in an attempt to gather her attention. Vasilisa seems less concerned about those trying to kill her than she is about the boys in her school and her desire for acceptance. That brings a few Robert Pattinson look-a-likes into play that add nothing much else to the story than doing just enough to get us to the next DVD chapter without displaying any real character. There is also a love interest for Rose, large wolf dogs, more vampire mythology and Gabriel Byrne trying his best to ensure that he is not overlooked by next year's Razzie nominations.

The screenplay by Daniel Waters is the film's largest obstacle. The dialogue is Aaron Sorkin fast but written with a Uwe Boll sense of direction. Characters talk quickly to each other and then the scene will just cut as if we came to the end of a chapter and the director didn't know how to transition to the next scene with any sense of flow.

Those holding out for strong action scenes to be the glue that holds you between naps can forget about it. Poorly choreographed and uninspiring hijinks are the norm as the film stumbles towards a final shot that suggests a sequel (it will not happen).

Vampire Academy might have worked as a television series. Why not. Dirty Little Liars Meets True Blood on CW. But this mess is easily the worst film of the year. At least until the next Adam Sandler film is released.